I've been in a weird area of mourning lately. Not entirely sure how I can explain it but ill try. Ive been listening to sad about relationships music like graves by cas cleo, merry xmas please dont call by the bleachers, siren by tate mcrae. These types of songs, and I relate to their grief in a way thats very hard to explain.
I envision something that I never got in the lyrics. I always feel like the singer is me, but i didnt go through these relationships. I am a simple listener, but yet I understand. I understand because Ive lost things and people and the grief is familiar. But I also mourn never feeling like this after relationships. Most of my ex relationships ended with turmoil. Never grief but anger, falling stones, sinking into the bottom. Like a war, soldiers at the wall before everything falls apart. I never once felt that sort of longing for someone I called my partner. So I put myself in the shoes of the singer, to picture it through the lyrics. Many partners have hurt me and ive hurt them back. Or i hurt them and they hurt me back. Ive been the villain and the victim. But I was never longing in that way. I feel like once things end, the last arrow is shot through the sky, I want to flee. Bury it under debris that Ill only dig up 2-3 years later in a drunken or high stupor messaging or talking to a friend. Its never processing I do alone. Iam still avoiding that processing for my recent relationship because right now she doesnt deserve it. The hurt is still visible and glowing. But once that wound begins to crust, ill rip it off and talk.
I still follow my other ex. We are semi friends. She moved on with a guy, I didnt have much to say about that but recently she posted a story of herself with her boyfriend. She is sitting on his lap in a pretty dress holding wine. There is blur on her face as she is moving mid picture and he is hiding his face in her neck. For the first time in the years weve separated ive felt the pit in my stomach that was just realizing that she moved on for real. I dont miss her in a romantic sense but seeing it for the first time is what gave me a pit. I wish her nothing but the best, but alas.
I was in a similar situation when a girl I knew since 2020, someone who is my close friend got into a relationship. They broke up recently but that pit when she announced her girlfriend to us was present. Hearing my friends get into relationships always gives me the pit. its a weird feeling. I feel like im behind, that i am losing them, that things will change and I dont want them. The images of my friends in my head becomes distorted because what do you mean youre grown enough to be in relationships? And then I begin to worry and remember my own resentments and processing of past relationships. I feel like I am the only one going through them.
My current rougher things to process is the fact that my best friend of almost 16ish years is in a relationship. I am happy for her, really, but i am daily scared that Ill be forgotten. I think about her breakup as insane as that sounds. I imagine her in my shoes full of resentment and anger at him if they split and I immediately want to hold her. And shell talk about him sometimes and I feel that pit every time. I am jealous on so many different fronts. I remember that same pit when my shitty ex best friend told me she lost her v card or when my other friend wanted to hear advice on relationships from me. The pit is always present and I cannot get rid of it because thats how Ive always been. I interpret relationships as danger and somehow that danger is projected on all my other friends. Im hard to love but I need to accept that they arent.
I envision something that I never got in the lyrics. I always feel like the singer is me, but i didnt go through these relationships. I am a simple listener, but yet I understand. I understand because Ive lost things and people and the grief is familiar. But I also mourn never feeling like this after relationships. Most of my ex relationships ended with turmoil. Never grief but anger, falling stones, sinking into the bottom. Like a war, soldiers at the wall before everything falls apart. I never once felt that sort of longing for someone I called my partner. So I put myself in the shoes of the singer, to picture it through the lyrics. Many partners have hurt me and ive hurt them back. Or i hurt them and they hurt me back. Ive been the villain and the victim. But I was never longing in that way. I feel like once things end, the last arrow is shot through the sky, I want to flee. Bury it under debris that Ill only dig up 2-3 years later in a drunken or high stupor messaging or talking to a friend. Its never processing I do alone. Iam still avoiding that processing for my recent relationship because right now she doesnt deserve it. The hurt is still visible and glowing. But once that wound begins to crust, ill rip it off and talk.
I still follow my other ex. We are semi friends. She moved on with a guy, I didnt have much to say about that but recently she posted a story of herself with her boyfriend. She is sitting on his lap in a pretty dress holding wine. There is blur on her face as she is moving mid picture and he is hiding his face in her neck. For the first time in the years weve separated ive felt the pit in my stomach that was just realizing that she moved on for real. I dont miss her in a romantic sense but seeing it for the first time is what gave me a pit. I wish her nothing but the best, but alas.
I was in a similar situation when a girl I knew since 2020, someone who is my close friend got into a relationship. They broke up recently but that pit when she announced her girlfriend to us was present. Hearing my friends get into relationships always gives me the pit. its a weird feeling. I feel like im behind, that i am losing them, that things will change and I dont want them. The images of my friends in my head becomes distorted because what do you mean youre grown enough to be in relationships? And then I begin to worry and remember my own resentments and processing of past relationships. I feel like I am the only one going through them.
My current rougher things to process is the fact that my best friend of almost 16ish years is in a relationship. I am happy for her, really, but i am daily scared that Ill be forgotten. I think about her breakup as insane as that sounds. I imagine her in my shoes full of resentment and anger at him if they split and I immediately want to hold her. And shell talk about him sometimes and I feel that pit every time. I am jealous on so many different fronts. I remember that same pit when my shitty ex best friend told me she lost her v card or when my other friend wanted to hear advice on relationships from me. The pit is always present and I cannot get rid of it because thats how Ive always been. I interpret relationships as danger and somehow that danger is projected on all my other friends. Im hard to love but I need to accept that they arent.